Lesson from Clara

Every time we tickle Clara or do something with her that she likes, she says, "Again!" She often says this when the moment hasn't even passed; the tickle has just begun and she's already yelling, "Again!"

How often do I do this myself? God gives a good gift, but I'm already worried about the next thing, the what-ifs, etc.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:25-34

God With Us

I can't wait for Christmas. Martha, Joel, Oliver, and Elliott are flying in on Christmas Eve, and Naomi will be up often, I'm sure. It will be so good to see everyone again.

We were grieved to hear the news that Denise Sproul passed away this week. It brings to mind a lot of memories of when Shannon's mom passed away. It's hard to believe it's been over three years now. I am still so grateful that I got to be there and spend time with her the week before. When I left, she told me that I was just like one of her own. Clara has been playing with the doll that "Nana" got for her before she was born. It has become one of her favorites.

One of the things that I really appreciate about my husband is something he learned through the death of his mother. He always chooses relationships over anything else. Being with people is never a burden to him; it's eternal. He has never once not wanted to go over to my parents' house or my sister's house or have friends over or do anything with anybody. He always encourages me to have friends over, make the effort to go visit relatives, etc. He very strongly believes that relationships are the most important thing.

As our family comes into town this weekend, and we reconnect and spend time with everyone, I can't help but think about how that's what Christmas is all about. God with us. God came to be with us. To understand and empathize. To give His life for us. To have a relationship with us. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. He's the Friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I'm going to hug my family tight this Christmas. When I think about those who aren't here or who have already gone before us to heaven, I'm going to try to remember that Jesus is the Friend who sticks closer than a brother. He proved it when He came to earth.

Rainy Afternoon

It's a super rainy afternoon here today! It's kind of odd for it to be December 15th and have it be raining instead of snowing! Either way, it's cozy inside, and still feels like Christmas. Clara is napping, and I was knitting and listening to some online podcasts (Living on the Edge and Ravi Zacharias).

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. Specifically, I've been thinking how faith is an action, not a feeling. You can say that you trust God, that you know He is in control, etc., but unless those beliefs actually impact how you live, is it really faith? We "walk by faith," not "think by faith." I have been purposefully asking God to help me live by faith the last few weeks. He has been giving me grace to live by faith, not just think by it. The hymn "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus" keeps coming to mind, and I would have to agree. Our little family is possibly on the verge of some change, but I am confident that God has a plan. I really believe that, and I want it to affect my daily life.

And....it's not related, but I have to post this picture of Clara, because I think she just looks so cute. I have been enjoying Clara so much lately. Yesterday, I had to leave her for EIGHT HOURS (the longest I've left her since...six months ago!), and I was miserable - lol! I couldn't wait to get back to her, and Shannon said she kept crying and saying, "Mama!" So, we are enjoying just hanging out today. I love my girl!

I miss writing. I don't write nearly as much as I used to. It's not so much that I'm busy, but that I don't feel my opinions on various topics are all that accurate, thus worthy of putting into words. Over the past few years, I think I've been overwhelmed with the fact that I am young and inexperienced, and don't want to come across sounding like I know everything. The problem with that is I end up not thinking through things properly, because, for whatever reason, it really helps me to write out my thoughts. It brings clarity in my own head. I end up only writing things like, "Today I did such and such," or "Clara said this funny thing," and that is just boring.

So!

I'm going to try to write again about things I've been thinking, more to help me than for edification.

Blelelelelle

Bananas

Pool Noodles

Elmo


Can you guess what these three things all have in common? They all have the same exact name in Clara-ese! I don't write in Clara, so I don't know which letters to use to explain what the word sounds like, but basically, wiggle your tongue back and forth between the sides of your lips and just make any vowel sound. It comes out sounding something like the title of this post.

Not Pregnant

A lady at church this morning asked me if I was pregnant. Empire waist dress with leggings FAIL. I've just got to remember to suck it in, I guess. She said she couldn't tell with the clothes these days - lol.

I was going for something like this:

But, apparently it came out looking like this:

I've been a little down this weekend about not being pregnant. Some days I'm fine with it, and some days I can get a little sad. If someone could just tell me that I wasn't going to have any more kids, I almost think I'd be fine, but it's the waiting that's hard.

Sick and Tired

Clara has been sick all. We've been watching a LOT of Kipper, Elmo, and random YouTube videos that she likes. I can't resist when she asks for "woowoo!!" She keeps begging to go outside. When I get the mail, she runs as fast as she can to the door in hopes to slip out, but she never makes it in time. Then she usually cries awhile. I asked what she wanted to do today, and she said, "Wok, wok wok," which means go for a walk. Not until that cough is gone, kid.

I took a nap this afternoon and woke up feeling all discombobulated. It's always a toss-up whether the nap is going to be worth feeling awful when I wake up. Still trying to decide today. I always wake up feeling guilty for the time that could have been used to "accomplish things" like organizing closets. And then I realize that I'm still in my pajamas, and where did the day go? Seriously, that happens every time I take a nap. Inevitably, that leads to, "I FEEL SO GUILTY!" and "WHEN IS THIS PPD GOING TO GO AWAY?" Which, of course, turns into, "I'm probably going to feel like this for the rest of my life," which ends up with me feeling terrible all evening, going to bed, and waking up tomorrow thinking, "What happened to yesterday?" Yeah, I should probably just give up on naps.

Saturday

Had a pretty busy day here today. I am trying to be more efficient with the grocery planning, shopping, and couponing. I am starting to stock up on things we use often that I can buy when they are on sale or I have coupons. We have tons of shelves in the basement that I am using to keep things on. I planned all of our breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the week because we always have a hard time thinking of breakfasts and lunches last-minute, and end up running to the store and spending more money than if I had planned out cheaper lunches. We'll see how it goes.

Clara had a pretty bad fall this afternoon. She was leaning up against the ironing board attached to her little kitchen, and it collapsed. She landed face-first on the vent. She has never cried that long for an injury before, and she has a huge black and blue welt on her forehead now, poor kid. She was sweet, though, and sat on my lap watching Kipper and holding Dolly and Bunny for a long time.

Clara finally figured out how to sign "girl" and "boy" in the last couple of days. She was pointing them out at Wal-Mart - lol. But, she kind of thinks that every kid is a girl. She had a nice conversation with the lady waiting in line behind us, and even got her to kiss Dolly and Bunny. Poor lady, those things are not pretty - lol. Whenever we are at the store and are ready to check out, she tries to put Dolly and Bunny on the belt so we can pay for them. She doesn't understand that we own those already.

I love how Clara is getting more imaginative in her play. She tried to give Dolly and Bunny her paci in the car today. It was all her own idea, I promise. She was sticking it right on their mouths.

I listened to Odyssey tonight while I cleaned up the house. Our church library has a few sets with episodes that I don't remember ever hearing before, so I have been checking them out one at a time. Shannon has been working on our budget tonight, and he isn't feeling too well, so it took me a little longer to clean up without his help. I am going to knit and watch a movie for a little while now. I need some down time. I haven't been feeling the best in my head today...really, the past few days, and I think I just need some quiet. It's been really busy the past couple of weeks. I'm not used to that! Also, Clara has been teething, so she's been extra-needy.

Home

Clara and I visited a friend of mine this morning. She had her first baby a couple of weeks ago and is dealing with some anxiety issues slightly similar to what I went through. Having gone through PPD, I think I'm a little more paranoid whenever anyone has a new baby. I hate to think that anyone would have to go through what I went through.

The visual of where I used to be and how totally different my life is than it was after Clara was born made me feel so thankful. We were talking about what a huge life change having a baby is, how sometimes you miss the way things used to be, and then you feel guilty for feeling that way. It was weird because I remember those feelings so strongly, but I don't really feel that way anymore. Sure, there are hard days, but our new normal really is normal now, not new anymore.

I love our quiet evenings at home after Clara goes to bed, just hanging out. I need that now. Occasionally, we go out at night and come home when it's dark out, and it feels so weird to be out when it's dark.

People often feel bad for me and ask how I do it when they find out that I don't have a car during the day and Clara and I are home most of the time. I really don't know how to answer that. I love being home. It's where I am most comfortable, where I function best. As much as I love when my mom is out of town and she lets me borrow her car so Clara and I can run errands, I still come home right at nap time and never stay out all day. I just don't want to.

When Clara was first born, being home all day felt like a necessity - I was terrified to leave the house with her. When her schedule got a little more predictable, it was nice to get out of the house. Now, being home is peaceful. I don't feel trapped like I used to...this is my life here, and I love it.

I'm so thankful for the many changes in my life that were brought about by having a baby, and even going through PPD. I am so grateful.

Monday Naps

I haven't been a very consistent blogger, but I want to get back into it. I enjoy looking back at my old posts and seeing what life was like, and I am sure I will love looking back at this time in my life, as well.

We are busy making memories over here. Clara seems to have gotten so big, so fast. She is no longer a baby, but a toddler. She took her first steps last week. Every time she takes a step, she is so excited and proud of herself that she falls over. I guess that has to wear off before she takes any more steps.

I've been doing pretty good getting up with Shannon in the morning. My crazy kid sleeps until around 10 every day (wakes for a bottle around 8), and Shannon leaves for work at about 8:30. It's been really nice to eat together (plus, we are saving money on cereal, since I make breakfast) and have devotions and coffee before he leaves for work. Then, I have a bit of quiet time to do get things done in the morning before Clara wakes up. I usually have my own devotions, and if there is some cleaning to get done, I do that. I even got some sewing done last week, which hasn't happened in awhile. Clara likes to pull on the cords if I sew when she is awake, or even push on the pedal, which can really mess up a project. :)

Clara and I went to the park after breakfast. She LOVES the playground. She gets so excited when we come around the corner and she sees it. She used to really love the swings, but now she just wants to crawl or walk around everywhere. She loves the slides, but I think she gets kind of bummed out when I won't let her go down the big ones by herself.

I am signing Clara and I up for a toddler swim class that starts in a few weeks. I think she will love it. She has always loved the water. I am definitely not a swimmer, and that is something I want her to feel comfortable with, so I guess we're starting early! It's offered by a local community education program, so it is really inexpensive. It is taught at a local school. A friend of mine is also taking her little girl, so we will ride together. It's on the way home from work for Shannon (and at the right time), so he will be able to pick us up and take us home. I will need to plan some crockpot suppers for those nights! I am excited to see how Clara does; I am sure she will love it.

We have kind of a busy week here. It seems like our weeks are either empty or completely full! We had friends over last night, dinner with our Bible study one night, dinner at my parents' another, and dinner at still another friends' house later in the week. Crazy! I kind of forgot about all that and planned menus for every night this week. Fortunately, they can lap over into next week! I have been doing an inordinate amount of baking lately. We have more than enough muffins and cookies! I don't want to stop, either; I love baking. I was thinking homemade bread, but that might need to wait until next week.

Well, I'm off to make a phone call while I dust the living room and maybe get more painting done while Clara is napping. I really hope to keep up with blogging a little better.

Happy Mother's Day!

I wanted to write a bit about how I have been doing lately, what I have been learning through my postpartum depression recovery, and what God has been teaching me. Mother's Day yesterday was a little emotional for me, but in a good way. I felt a little overwhelmed yesterday...I am so very grateful for my little girl, and so grateful to be a mommy. An imperfect mommy.

For so long, I have felt sad about my postpartum depression - angry that I missed out on those happy "new mommy" feelings that I expected to experience (okay, so I still get sad about that, but oh, well, right?), confused about why I had to go through this, struggling daily with my thoughts and feelings. Slowly, God is bringing me to a place of freedom in Christ that I never could have known without experiencing postpartum depression.

I've always been a perfectionist and a very emotional person. Somehow, I thought that God wanted me to be perfect. (As my counselor told me, "Do you want Christ to die every day or what?") When Clara was born, and I couldn't get her to stop crying, couldn't keep the house clean, couldn't even remember to eat...well, you can only imagine how I felt. Add to that a crazy chemical imbalance and improper brain functioning, and that has been my life for almost a year now. I'm quite sure it's been the hardest year of my life.

But, oh, the things I am learning! I am learning that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to keep my house immaculate all the time. I'm learning that I don't have to make homemade baby food if I don't want to. I'm learning that if my kid watches TV, I'm not a bad mommy. I'm learning that when I make a mistake, I don't have to dwell on it for the next three days. I'm learning that I don't have to do what I think other people want me to do, only what God wants me to do. I'm learning that formula keeps a baby full, just like breast milk. :) I'm learning that what I do doesn't define who I am. I'm learning that I have a God who loves me, regardless of how I feel, what standards I do/don't measure up to, and what I accomplish in a day.

I am learning so much more than that, but those have been pretty big things for me. :) I am so grateful for my little girl and for all that God has been teaching me through my postpartum experience. This Mother's Day, I am overwhelmed by God's mercy over the past year. It has been (and will continue to be, I'm sure) a roller coaster, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I was singing this hymn this morning, and realized that it kind of expresses my feelings lately.

May the mind of Christ my Savior Live in me from day to day,

By His love and pow'r controlling All I do and say.

May the Word of God dwell richly In my heart from hour to hour,

So that all may see I triumph Only thru His pow'r.

May the peace of God my Father Rule my life in ev'rything,

That I may be calm to comfort Sick and sorrowing.

May the love of Jesus fill me As the waters fill the sea;

Him exalting, self abasing -- This is victory.

May I run the race before me, Strong and brave to face the foe,

Looking only unto Jesus As I onward go.

- Kate B. Wilkinson

Monday Afternoon

I just got Clara down for a nap and my cup of coffee heated up, so I thought I'd take a few minutes to post on my blog. I am thinking about spending more time blogging and less time on Facebook, since that will give me the chance to look back at archives later and reminisce. :)

Clara and I took a drive down to Hannah's house to spend the night on Saturday. Shannon has been working extra hard at work lately because the lady above him is out sick for eight weeks, and he was going to have to work all day Saturday, so we took off! It was Clara's longest car ride yet, but she did great. On the way there, she only cried once. We stopped at Wal-Mart to get some lunch and take a break, and while I was changing her diaper, I let her play with the keys. When I took them back to drive, she cried. She wasn't particularly happy on the way home once it got dark, and she could not see her toys. Fortunately, that only lasted about twenty minutes, and then we were home. We had a wonderful visit with Hannah and co. Clara thought Sam was hilarious and just laughed and laughed at him, but she wasn't such a fan of Owen, since he thought slapping her in the face was a great activity.

I am doing really well. God has been helping me to be more and more grateful for all the blessings in my life, as well as the difficulties and problems. He is teaching me to be more humble and more meek. My pastor's wife shared a quote the other day...I can't remember who said it, but it went something like, "True humility is recognizing that everything you have is a gift." Some good friends of Shannon and his family (the three siblings came to our wedding...the brother was one of our ushers) had a significant loss this week. One of their girls has been courting a young man since early last year, and on Thursday evening he passed away after a very long and tiring battle with cancer. I feel so honored to have gotten a glimpse of his faith and trust in the Lord before he went home. For some reason, this situation just really affected me, especially remembering the death of Shannon's mom , now more then two and a half years ago...the past few weeks, I have been really wishing I could call her up and let her know how Clara is doing, etc. I guess that through all of that, God has been working humility and gratefulness in my heart, recognizing His gifts all around me. I am so grateful for my family, my home, my church, my friends, my life, and so many other simple pleasures. We are so close to eternity. I don't want to hold onto the things of this earth too tightly. We are each one breath away from being with God and worshiping at His throne in purity and perfect righteousness, throwing off the wickedness and suffering of this world. So...all that to say, I am very grateful. I need to not complain so much. I need to thank God in every circumstance and serve Him fully and wholeheartedly. I am grateful. I am holding my baby close and kissing her. I am going to make spending time with family and friends a bigger priority, and try not to worry about money and get upset or annoyed about trivial things. Life is so short.

So, anyway, that's what I have been thinking about. I feel like I've been on the edge of tears for days now! God is so good. I have been listening to these two songs over and over again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNClAJO2tnQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsUyqXT2u8w

Still sick...

...but still smiling!!

Quick Post

I have been inspired by my cousin Emily's blog to post some text!

Clara is sick. I don't really know what she has. Yesterday, she threw up all over the place. Cleaning her (and it) up was definitely not my favorite parenting moment so far, but she was really very pathetic. Afterwards, she acted totally normal and happy again, so I fed her before she went to bed, with no ill-effects. She was okay this morning, so we took her to church, but since this afternoon, she's had a terrible stuffy/runny nose and a slight fever. This evening, she screamed her head off for what felt like forever before she finally fell asleep. She woke up to drink her bottle an hour or so ago, acted normal (minus the runny nose), and played with toys for awhile. She is back to sleep again now, so we'll see how she feels in the morning. Aside from a very short little cold a few months ago, this is her first real sickness, so it is new to me. She doesn't seem to be enjoying life right now, but Yo-Baby yogurt still cheers her up. :)

Fortunately, neither Shannon nor I are sick. Shannon had the flu a week or so ago, and Clara and I moved in with my mom first, then Naomi, for a few days. The nurse recommended that I try to get Clara out of the house as much as possible since the flu he had was very contagious, so we just left altogether. Shannon finally recovered, and we were able to come home.

Last week was our Valentine's Day party. I had such a wonderful time decorating and baking and setting up. The kids seemed to enjoy it, too. They loved passing out their Valentines. Okay, well, I guess I will post a few pictures of that.

I am happy to say that I am only about 6 lbs. away from my pre-Clara weight. Naomi and I have been dieting together, and we are doing great! After my pre-Clara weight goal, I would like to lose 2-4 more pounds to be at my wedding day weight. That would be amazing. It feels so wonderful to fit into most of my old clothes again! Yesterday, all of the pants that I normally wear were dirty (oh, and the sewer is backing up into our basement again, so laundry is slightly delayed...the joys of home ownership!!), so I dug around in my drawer and found a pair that I hadn't been able to fit in yet. Guess what! They fit! I was pretty excited. I have lost nearly 10 lbs. since, oh, mid-January.

Well, since Clara is asleep, the dishes are done, and the coffee is made for the morning, I guess I will pick up the few toys on the floor and head to bed. Emily, you would be proud of me - I have become a "mostly early to bed early to rise" person as of late, thanks to Clara. Coffee, however, is still a dear friend - lol. Goodnight!

2010 Highlights

This post is VERY late in coming because we had some computer problems and didn't have any of our files on the computer for awhile. But, not to ruin tradition, here are some highlights from 2010.

January:

New Year's in Phoenix

Our mini vacation to Colorado Springs quick before we moved

February:

It's a girl!
Turning 21!
Moving in with Mom and Dad in time to celebrate the winter Olympics!

March:

Martha and Oliver visit

Driving past "our house" again and again....waiting for closing!

April:

Easter with Naomi and Paul
Picnic-ing with my husband behind our wedding church

May:

Finally moving into our house (with the help of many good friends!)

Nesting!!

June:

Prepping Clara's room

What else?? Clara Sue's arrival!!

July:

Learning to be a mommy

Clara's baptism

August:

Peaceful moments
Clara meets Daddy's side of the family

September:

Family reunion

Hanging out with Martha

October:

Enjoying the leaves with my little family

Clara's first Halloween..haha

November:

Our trip to Minneapolis and to Wisconsin for Bryan and Kimberly's wedding

Thanksgiving is also a November highlight, but we do not have any photos for some reason.

December:

Christmas with my parents and Naomi and Paul

Clara's first Christmas

This year has changed in that my life has become completely home-and-family-centered. It mostly was last year, too, but now even more so. I can't tell you how wonderful it is! Being a mommy makes me very happy, and taking care of my home and family fulfills me entirely. 2010 was a difficult year in some ways, but God showed His faithfulness each day.

New Curtains!

I have been meaning to pick up some decorator fabric for new curtains in my kitchen. Since I painted it after we moved it, the original curtains really did not match any longer. Today I remembered an old bedspread I got at a garage sale years ago (and had already made an apron out of), pulled it out, and turned it into new curtains for my kitchen! Well, one new curtain anyway. Hopefully I will get to the second later this week.

Womanhood

"Modern girls will argue that they have to earn an income, in order to establish a home, which would be impossible on their husband's income.

"That is sometimes the case, but it must always be viewed as a regrettable necessity, never as the normal or natural thing for a wife to have to do.

"The average woman, if she gives her full time to her home

her husband

her children....

"If she tries to understand her husband's work...

to curb his egotism while, at the same time, building up his self-esteem

to kill his masculine conceit while encouraging all his hopes

to establish around the family a circle of true friends....

"If she provides in the home a proper atmosphere of culture

of love of music

of beautiful furniture

and of a garden....

"If she can do all this, she will be engaged in a life work that will demand every ounce of her strength

every bit of her patience

every talent God has given her

the utmost sacrifice of her love.

"It will demand everything she has and more.

And she will find that for which she was created.

She will know that she is carrying out the plan of God.

She will be a partner with the Sovereign Ruler of the universe.

"And so, today's daughters need to think twice before they seek to make a place for themselves

by themselves

in our world today...."

- Peter Marshall

Our December 23rd celebration

We celebrated Christmas with my parents and with Naomi, Paul, and co. on the twenty-third. It was so much fun! The kids were all adorable!

Clara and Grandma
Sweet baby Timmy

Sweet sweet

Family photo
Carrying presents to the tree
So happy!

Reading a book

Baby kisses
The only picture we got of Clara in her cute Christmas outfit and red booties that I knit for her. Oh, well. Lol!
Betsy's new "baby"
Checking out the present
What a mess!!